Why She Doesn't Leave-A Reason

A burning and most important question about domestic abuse is "Why doesn't she leave him?" Working with many survivors in Bravery, I've learned the reasons. They are complicated and many, but not publicized well. Usually we see the aftermath of a turbulent relationship in the form of bruises, tears, and pain. That makes it easy to stand away and say, "I would never stay in a relationship with someone like that. Why doesn't she leave him?" A logical response.

What we don't see are the invisible bruises and the compassion. The intermittent moments of peace, promises, and constant hope. Abusers will use pets, family, and especially children to retain control over their victims, but the most effective strategy is persuasion.

In response to the highly public story about Rihanna and Chris Brown, a very brave journalist, Leonard Pitts, came forward with his personal story of his abusive father and wrote an insightful and spot on example of "why she doesn't leave." You see, seven year old Leonard didn't realize that his father was manipulating him. His father beat his mother, and a few days had passed to let the dust settle. Dad wanted to come home and "pleaded his case through the mail slot, promising to do better, promising to change." Leonard cried and wanted his father to come home, but was told "I want to, but your mother won't let me." Eventually he did come home.

Mr. Pitts explains regret on his part of persuading mom to let in dad, but it's very natural for a child to want his parents to stay together. In a society driven by "family," it would be natural for the mother to do what she can to keep the family together as well, even at the risk of her life.

Most of the stories in the Bravery Project express how wonderful he was at first, his gifts and pleas for forgiveness, the happy times in the relationship, the promises of stopping the abuse and getting help. Why doesn't she leave him? Because she trusts, she believes, she wants to help him get well, she loves this side of him, she wants her children to have a father.

Mr. Pitts uses his own example to extend a message to Rihanna that he is aware of what Chris did to her, but also that he understands why she went back to him, much to the dismay of the public. "It is the classic behavior of a battered woman," he writes. "They tell themselves it was their fault. They tell themselves it was a one-time thing. They tell themselves lies...evasions and rationalizations."

Leonard Pitts- Letter to Rihanna: Please think again