Abuse Is Not An Event; It's A Process.

It's not often that we get lucky enough to have someone in a power position take notice and become active in the domestic abuse movement. Fortunately, we have an advocate for proactive change in Judge Toler.

You may have seen her on Divorce Court, one of the most successful real-life drama television shows on KSAZ (Phoenix, AZ). She has worked with thousands of cases in domestic violence, stalking, assault, and stalking. After seeing her speak at the Women's Luncheon at the George Washington Carver Museum in June, it was easy to see why her show is so successful. Not only is she beautiful, she is funny, intelligent and really cares about working towards stemming the flow of violence and abuse rather than reacting to it.

Several key points from her speech were surprising, even to me. One may think that a DV case even making it to court is a win because it's rare and the abuser may finally have to be accountable for his/her actions; however, according to Judge Toler, "it's little too late." In a culture that pulls off a few leaves on issues rather than hacking at the roots of the trees, she understands from experience that abuse is a community problem and it develops as a process rather than just an event.

My previous post on Why Domestic Violence: if not you, then who? demonstrates more graphically the same message. People don't go into a relationship thinking or knowing they will be abused, but they still have to take responsibility for that first step to get out. That initial step is what frustrates people. Why doesn't she leave being the most common question, but they don't realize that leaving is the most dangerous time for a victim and usually the very act happening when we read about a homicide/murder/suicide case in the newspapers. A key to prevention of these media stories repeating themselves is that a "community provides a means of exit that is safe," according to Toler. Again we go back to awareness, education, then action.

Anyone can become an advocate in very small ways by first learning more about the issue of abuse, especially if one knows a person in the situation. Then by giving her a phone number for help and telling her that she deserves better. Keep this number with you in your wallet or purse and present it when she is alone. Most of all listen to her and don't judge. You will be amazed at how this small and free gesture could save her life and many others after her. You can be a hero.


Domestic Violence: if not you, then who?
Divorce Court
Toler on NPR