Child Abuse Blues

A disturbing story was shared with me during a breakfast meeting about a 3 1/2 year old little girl. Her parents are divorced and she is shared between them on a weekly basis. In addition to the stress caused from an unstable home, she is acting out and not in a good way. There is a difference between when kids are upset, depressed and become beligerent, but her behavior is demonstrated in a sexual nature that is far beyond what a 3 year old should know.

What does a parent do if a child exhibits unnatural behavior...what do you do if you see something that is clearly unhealthy? Child abuse is a social issue that can be prevented, but everyone must get involved. Many of the survivors in the portrait series were abused as kids first before falling prey to an adult predator. They overcame as adults, but as helpless children, the scars remain. So as an individual and a parent how do we help these kids? The following points were given to me by a counselor who deals with numerous cases just like this one; now I am passing her advice on to you.

1. Pay attention to the child's behavior. This is obvious right? It's important to know the difference between natural body exploration and acting out sexually.

2. Report it to CPS or another authority that handles these cases. SUPER important. If you work for a school, for instance, it is mandatory that you report what you see. As a parent this is a challenge because of the investigation, but the crime MUST be documented in order to prosecute. It's harder for the abuser to win in court when he has to fight all first-hand witnesses rather than just the parent trying to protect her child.

3. Get counseling immediately. A child at the point of acting out is in a critical emotional state that must be addressed. She has to learn how to deal with her feelings. We are not talking once a month here, but weekly. If kids don't get this support to help them sort out their emotions, then they can decline into worse behavior and become perpetrators.

4. Remove the child from the questionable surroundings. This may seem obvious, but isn't always easy to do. In the case of this mother, she is going through the proper channels of reporting and trying to get sole custody of her daughter, but she is also fighting prejudices in the court system. Aside from kidnapping charges, she is doing everything she can by researching her options.

5. Support the parent. As an individual, whether a friend or relative, it's imperative that you support her efforts to continue forward through legal channels. From the outside, we may think, she isn't doing enough or we think we would do something different, like deal with kidnapping charges just to protect the child if that's what it takes. Realistically, we don't really know what we would do unless we have been there. Offer her support, i.e. ask her if there is anything you can do to help her like some research or make a phone call. Ask any victim how hard it is just to come forward about abuse, let alone go through a slow and frustrating court system.

This one is my own assessment from working with survivors.

6. Be warned about your denial. If you are a parent and know your child is being abused (yes this happens too often), you must remember that your denial for whatever reason: financial hardship, fear of retaliation, fear of death, fear of losing custody, etc. the pain your kid is going through will come back to haunt you. For a temporary comfort, the damage you receive as a parent who loves her child plays back tenfold as the guilt you feel in your older years. I have seen this time and again in the stories from Bravery Project. There are resources and people who are trained to help you and your child.

Remember you are not alone.


Office for Victims of Crime: Child Abuse
National Hotline Numbers
Child Help