Freedom to Be Yourself

Many of us have had a family member, friend, or partner that doesn't like something about us and tries to get us to change it or maybe we have tried to change them. It's part of normal human behavior to deal with another person's annoying habits, but when it comes to using manipulative tactics to force behavioral change, there's a problem.

A common myth about domestic violence is that it means only battering or physical violence. Using the word "violence" in the name suggests it when in truth the physical aspect is only a part of the issue. The larger portion is everything but the battering: the control, the verbal abuse, manipulation, and not letting that person have the freedom to be who they are.

Nonphysical elements of domestic violence usually start subtly so that many times they are dismissed as odd occasional behavior or as she/he "just wants whats best for me". Here are two very different kinds of examples of control and manipulation that are interesting when compared.

I recently learned about a student who came to a college staff member in tears, talking about how her boyfriend wanted her to change her major. Unfortunately, she had already shown up before with a black eye, prepared with excuses when questioned. Of course, the staff member told her not to listen to him, but to follow her own heart. Good advice. Except the problem is her heart and spirit are already breaking from the emotional beatings she lives with everyday. The fact that she talked to someone is a good sign that she needs and wants help. Better advice would be to give her an out: The Wheel of Power and Control, several numbers to call for an emergency and advocate, and an escape plan list.

Compare that with a humerous, fictional tale about a girl from a rich blue-blood family named Penelope. She was born with a deformity; a curse of having the nose of a pig. To break the curse, she had to find someone of her own class to love and marry her. Her mother spends all her waking hours trying to find blue-blood suitors to marry her daughter in order to break the curse. To "protect" her daughter, the mother fakes the infant's death and locks her up in the house. Penelope lives her entire childhood inside the house away from the "cruel" world. (I highly recommend this movie for everyone, especially girls.)

You wouldn't think of Penelope as a victim of domestic violence, living in a beautiful house with everything she could ever want; however, she is a victim of power and control...until she makes the decision to change things. The point here is that it can be easy to fall into the "they want what's best for me" mentality when someone else is trying to make you change something about yourself or the decisions you make. Eventually the manipulation becomes transparent, saying that it's time to get out.

Wheel of Power and Control Post
Penelope